yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
