my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
