i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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