I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
