So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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