im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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