yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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