Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
