Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
