Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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