What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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