using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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