in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
