That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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