I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
