what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He shit in the fireplace
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
