if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have fence marks all over my body
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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