did you get engaged???
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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