Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
