Come see our sink grown plant.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
