We named our party play list daddy issues
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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