Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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