Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
