WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
