On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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