This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
and she was petting her beer can
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
