Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
