Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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