PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
