Got a toothbrush?
Can Purell be used as lube?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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