I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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