Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
