dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
