NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
you will always have a special place in my vag
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
