if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
