I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
