In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
