Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
