Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
