the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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