You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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