Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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