I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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