Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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