You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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