it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
