Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
