I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
