the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
