i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
