last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
