smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
